Write a paragraph about your favourite singer remember that one radio show in which a psychologist grouped all the girls together?

The person who started this exhilarating and humbling journey of mine. The person who lent me strength, inspiration, and the person I will always look up to.

SNSD’s Kim Taeyeon. SNSD’s leader. The girl with the most amazing voice that anyone, even non-kpop fans, will know. Because she’s just that amazing.

There’s so much to say about this girl, I’m overwhelmed. I could write about anything, I could write about how her voice puts me at ease, how looking at her makes me smile, how she is so lovely and lovable and she has this really weird dorky personality that no one can ever dislike. There are many things keeping me Taeyeon at the top of my bias list. But today, I want to say something else. I want to talk about the Taeyeon that inspired me.

Anyone who is a fan of a kpop group would know that their idols did not have it easy to get here. We all know, but how much do we understand? How many people could be so sure of what they want, when they were 15? Only to have people disapprove and tell them otherwise? And then picking up the courage to chase after the dream, that seemed so childish in the eyes of others? How many people can live through what only adults should go through, the harsh reality of the world, as young teenagers?

I look up to Taeyeon because she is not perfect. More often than not we talk about our idols’ past hardships and we celebrate how determined they are, how they perfectly represent a hard worker. But Taeyeon is not perfect. She is a girl who once decided to run away from SM, back home, on the verge of giving up. Taeyeon is a girl who knew what it felt like to be on the verge of giving up completely, but turning back to continue fighting for it. People may call her a coward. But to me, she is human.

And then we have a lot of people criticizing her because of her next flaw. Wanting to step down as SNSD’s leader. Let’s face it, if we were not biased towards her, we would also have the same thought that it’s a cowardly thing to do. Maybe it is. I’m not going to defend her decisions, whether it’s right or wrong. Instead, I’m inviting you to look at the way SNSD is right now. The group that they are now, so united, so easy with each other, the dorky group that passes the mic around not so discreetly in hopes that others will take the speech, but also the group with every member saying exactly the right words when they have to take the speech… the group that is so close you see them as a family. The SNSD we see now is an SNSD without a distinct ‘leader’, every member regarded equally, and I’m sure we wouldn’t have it any other way.

But does SNSD really have no leader as their group dynamics suggest? Think again. Remember that one radio show in which a psychologist grouped all the girls together? He put Taeyeon alone. It’s true what he said, because Taeyeon is the center of the group and she is the person holding them together. But for all that’s worth, she stands alone. That is the kind of leadership she chose, possibly the hardest one. The role of the protector. She doesn’t actively lead. Instead, she chose to stay quiet and passive all the time whether it’s during variety shows, music shows and the likes… so that her other members may shine. Seeing her go solo on so many events, I think we all know that she has the capability to carry a show and capture everyone’s attention. Heck, she has the ability to stand in the background all quiet but still emit that influence, that presence, that draws us to her. She knows this too, that is why she chooses to fade away when the other members are around, because she wants them to shine. This is the leader that SNSD needs, and the kind of leader that led SNSD to where they are right now. It’s a leader that is selfless, a leader that puts everyone else before herself. It’s hard, yet she refuses to show it. When the girls cry they huddle together, but Taeyeon steps away from the crowd and hides her own tears. As much as she is dependent on the girls, she is also independent because she needs the strength to keep the group together. The rest are allowed to cry, but she isn’t, because she is supposed to hold them together. This is the responsibility she took on for herself.

Taeyeon is not perfect. Her personality and tendency to withdraw makes me so frustrated. She does a lot of things I wish she wouldn’t do. I don’t blindly stan her. But I’m a fan right, so what can I do? I don’t have any power to do anything.

That’s why we have the eight girls to complete her. There is no tribute I can make about any member that does not include all nine girls. They always pull Taeyeon in. Although she wants to stand in her own circle, they always invade it, and they always pull her in. Everytime I see SNSD forming a circle closing around Taeyeon, it moves me so much. Because to me, that is SNSD refusing to let Taeyeon drift away. That is SNSD letting Taeyeon know she’s not alone. And we all know that this girl, Taeyeon, often lets herself get too lonely or too sad and refuses to open up to everyone. This is SNSD understanding their leader without a single word spoken. This is SNSD pulling Taeyeon into the centre and closing in around her. This is SNSD telling Taeyeon, “Let us in.”

“Stop being sad. Come to me. I will sing happy songs and be cute.” – Sunny to Taeyeon

I’ve said so much, what am I trying to say exactly? I guess this is me trying to explain exactly why Taeyeon is my bias. In the idol industry, people expect the idols to justify why they are loved so much. They need to be perfect, role models, flawless. Because people are supposed to idolize them for all the perfection. That’s why they’re called idols.

And Taeyeon is not that kind of perfection. She isn’t a typical leader, she shows her unhappiness and criticizes Mubank in public, she is quiet on variety shows. She speaks her mind freely and often gets hate because of it. But the heck? This is who she is, this is Taeyeon who remains true to herself despite the fame. Most importantly, she remains true not only to herself, but to the people she loves. Her members. Her family. Us. SONEs.

Why do I love Taeyeon? Because she loves us first. Why do I look up to Taeyeon as an inspiration? Because her imperfection reminds me of myself, of all of us, simply a young girl with a big dream and living it.

She is imperfect. She’s my inspiration.